FiercePoet Blog | No Compromise

Thursday the 25th of September, 1997

Standing on the Edge

While standing on the edge of a cliff
I notice down below
What I thought was so high above
Was really quite low
So I thought I could jump
Leap off the cliff and fall
Yet when I lept off my feet
The ground got very small
I jumped straight down
But no where I found
To place my feet when I would fall
To survive the great wall
So instead of surviving
I must have failed
Because there’s no more left
Since I failed the great fall

Standing on the edge of a cliff
Looking down below
I see the water glistening as it flows

.: Mary Scudder :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 05:16 PM on the 25th of September, 1997.
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Sunday the 5th of January, 1997

The Note

Written somewhere about this time. No date to be sure of.

To the Dead Poets:

I do not know what is going on any more. I feel like I am lost from reality. I have been lost for some time now. I have not felt the excitement and thrill of writing for a while now. I feel so guilty about this fact that it makes me sick inside. For so long I have loved and even enjoyed writing my poetry and now, it just does not thrill me anymore. It just does not provide the same joy and comfort that it used to provide for me. I wish I knew what was going on with my mind currently. It discomforts me very much. This dilemma discourages me when it comes to a lot of things. I do not know what to do any more about a lot of problems that I have to face.

I have realized that the worst thing I can do in this world is fake it and pretend that I am having 12000% fun all of the time. I have no reason to have fun anymore. Nothing. I cannot live a lie like this one that I have been living for so long now. I have lived for almost six years now in this lie. I have made it look like everything is a-O.K. For this whole time, it has never been a-O.K. I cannot fool you anymore, any of you. I feel that I have already fooled all of you long enough as is right now. I have tried to learn to appreciate what I have got, everything that I have got in this life so far. I just cannot appreciate all of it though. I have tried everything to appreciate my friends; God knows I have got some of the best friends for whom a guy could ask for in this world. I cannot just appreciate them though. I guess I could say that I have it good; I just do not realize how good I truly do have got it though. God I wish that I did realize how well I have it. Some thoughts might have subsided a long time ago if I had realized how well off I am in this world.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. I have lost the enthusiasm and vigor that a young child possesses. I cannot have fun like I had when I was a young child and enjoy the simple things in life like a young child can. I will not be able to do any of those things again. Too many things, including the thoughts of suicide, have forced me to grow up too quickly.

I am too sensitive, to friends, to family, to everyone. I believe that there is good within every person of this whole earth, so much so that it makes me so fucking mad inside when I think about that fact. I look at some of my “true” friends and see who they are and the potential that they hold within them. It makes me nauseous to think about it. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative me. Why can I not just enjoy life? I do not know! I find myself wishing all the time that I could though.

Sometimes everything terrifies me to the point that I can barely function correctly anymore. I wish that I just understood myself sometimes and understood what was going on inside my head. The thoughts of suicide have been my problem. Literally. If they had never started, then I truly believe that I would be fine. I would never have grown up so fast. The thoughts have torn my life apart, torn it apart beyond repair. I truly believe that none of my friends, no matter how “true” they are, can help put my life back together. I cannot do anything to fix what has happened. I also cannot do anything to stop anything else from happening. All that can happen is for everything to get worse and worse. Nothing I can do will change that fact. Nothing.

I have to thank the few people who did express concern over the last few months, even years since I first talked about my thoughts of suicide. I imagine that getting along with such an erratic, moody, baby must be extremely hard. As a matter of fact, I know that it must be extremely hard. To my brothers of Theta Xi, there are a few of you whom I truly do love as a friend and brother. I thank you very much the love and support that you few have shown toward me on several occasions. You do not realize how much it helped at the time when you did what you did. It did help a lot though. Trust me.

I have no passion for life any more and do not know why.

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:47 AM on the 5th of January, 1997.
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Wednesday the 23rd of October, 1996

what the fuck

what the fuck is wrong with me
whats in my fucking head
someone fucked with me
fucked me over
and over again
i need some help
some fucking help
someone who’ll be there
who won’t fuck with me
i should’ve done it already
finished it off
i fucked up though
i didn’t
i didn’t fucking do it
fuck
i had my chance
my many chances
i just didn’t take it
i don’t know why
i guess because i fucked up
the time will come
when it will happen
i am certain it will
i will do it eventually
no one can stop me
stop me from fucking up
one last time
it’s over…

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:46 AM on the 23rd of October, 1996.
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Monday the 21st of October, 1996

Should We Really Say Goodbye to Religion in the Classroom?

“Please stand for a moment of silence.” This is the announcement heard in many schools today and is also on endorsement that causes much controversy in many schools. The argument for prayer in schools has existed since the Engel v. Vitale case which the Supreme Court decided in 1962. The Court decided to “kick” God out of out public school system. They stated the reasoning behind this decision as violating the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause. Since the Court rendered this decision, violent opposition has been shown in support of reinstating prayer. The people supporting reinstating school prayer have many opinions on why it should be done. Within this one side of the argument are different opinions on school prayer. Some people think that we should just go as far as to have a moment of silence at the beginning of school. Others believe that we should actually have prayers. On the other hand, there are opponents to the issue of school prayer altogether. They believe that having a required time during school leads to religious discrimination among students. Another reason is that the school cannot force the more popular religion upon minority believers.

Since the beginning of the school prayer affair, more than ten separate occasions have developed in which a group has brought forth prayer initiatives or bills to Congress. The best way for school prayer to exist within schools today is if teachers and administrators will remain neutral to the whole idea. They never fully removed religion from our public school system in the first place; they removed prayer. Lawyers immediately said after the Engel decision that devotionals and student groups were protected under the First Amendments guarantee of free speech. Many schools took their own initiative to reinstate some form of prayer. The main form arising from this movement was a moment of silence. The Supreme Court ruled in 1985 that the Constitution legally protects silent moments because they have no religious intent or purpose. Six states assumed this ideology: Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, Maryland, Mississippi, and Tennessee. Four other states considered the idea. I went to a high school which did just that. We said the Pledge of Allegiance and had a moment of silence every morning. We also had an invocation and a moment of silence before “every” home football game. The practice was a tradition at our school. Many people say it best when they say, “It’s just minute. What is there to lose?” President Clinton said that our religious freedom may be the most precious of all the liberties. He also stated that the Establishment Clause does not prohibit private acts by students. There are also many arguments on the other side of the story.

Opponents of school prayer list distinct justifications why prayer should not be allowed in our public schools: discrimination, infringement upon rights, and differences. People fell that if they introduce a moment of silence as the standard, then minority students who are not religious will be discriminated against. The option of being a religious person or not is exactly that, a choice. No one should be discriminated against because of a choice they make in their own life. Other opponents feel that religion infringes upon the rights of minority students. We are forcing them to be religious in some aspect of the deal. We can see a very good example of this with two students: one student is very religious and the other is an atheist. The religious student can talk publicly at school about God and religion and not have anything said to them about the talk. Whereas if the atheist were to talk about his beliefs publicly, they would ask him to quit or to leave immediately. With this example, they obviously want religion in our public schools but no one wants to admit that they have wanted it. The subject of difference comes into play when the number of religions is considered. They could not say a single prayer that satisfied all types of religions because they are all too different in their beliefs. These are the main problems blocking the Prayer Amendment idea that they proposed more than thirty years ago. The same problems have persisted and will always persist until an idea comes along to solve these problems.

I believe there is one simple solution to the whole problem: a moment of silence. I have always believed in this and will continue to, no matter what opponents of school prayer say. If the United States Supreme Court can pray before convening and have the Ten Commandments on their chamber walls, then why can we not simply have five minutes of silence to do as we please. I believe this is not asking too much for either side of the battle. I can proudly say that I fought very hard to keep what we had at my high school when they addressed prohibiting the activities that we participated in like the Pledge and a moment of silence. Overwhelming support poured in from everywhere for that cause. The American public needs to realize what my small hometown did and they need to do the same. If an excruciating outcry from the public took place, then prayer in our schools would be no problem. The first stop is just getting that outcry to occur. The rest will take care of its self. Now, “please stand for a moment of silence.”

Posted by rtkenmore at 11:39 PM on the 21st of October, 1996.
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Thursday the 10th of October, 1996

give me a reason

give me a reason
a reason to live
something to live for
i don’t like this world
this fucked up place
it drives me insane
i can’t face the truth
the reality of what i am
i am nothing
a loser at most
i have no reason
no reason to live
maybe you can find one
just one
one simple reason
something to live for
something for me

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:45 AM on the 10th of October, 1996.
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would you please

i want to die
to kill myself
i have no reason to live
nothing to live for
everything is gone
why must i suffer anymore
just shoot me
put me out of my misery

would you please?

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:45 AM on the 10th of October, 1996.
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depressed

depressed is how i feel
every waking moment of time
please help me
relieve this stress
everyone causes
soon it will happen
stress leads to suicide
everyone will know
depressed souls won’t survive

Thursday the 11th of July, 1996

after shock

after it ended
for it was hell
till we took over
ended it all together
rage and horror was gone

shape us up again
help us
overcome what consumed us
calm down
keep thinking

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:44 AM on the 11th of July, 1996.
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confused

confused and running
running from a dream
a dream of what
i don’t know
an altered world
a different being
a separate space
i wonder what’s happening
who’s doing what and where
this altered world
is a screwed up place
it makes me confused
wondering what’s going on
i’m becoming enraged
with fear and anger
i don’t know what’s happening
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me
i don’t like what’s going on
what’s happening
i don’t like this world
this altered ego
this different being
be yourself
that’s what everyone says
be yourself
in this world
i don’t think so
you become hated
betrayed
people turn on you
like they have already done to me
things change
attitudes change
people become confused
more confused than already
i don’t like my life
it’s never been an easy one
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
the people
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me
i wonder why so many people
have a problem with me
dislike me
their attitudes confuse me
but they don’t care
i’m one fucked up person
confused all the way to hell and back
why do things happen
especially bad things
the thoughts again
yeah you know
the thoughts
they confuse me
they like me
they don’t
they like me
they don’t
someone help me
please someone
i need help
or am i confused about that to
i wish there was a rewind
so i could start over
or eject so i can give up
anything would help
anything at all
i’m an idiot
a stupid one at that
i don’t know what’s going on
i’m confused remember
confused to hell and back
the thoughts again
damn those thoughts
they confuse me
thoughts of this
thoughts of that
they all confuse me
this and that
i wish i could
get them out of my head
gone forever
eject them
i’m too confused to even do that
too even quit thinking at all
i don’t know what’s happening
what’s going on
who’s doing what and where
this altered world
is a screwed of place
i have become enraged
with fear and anger
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
the people
they confuse me
the attitudes
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:44 AM on the 11th of July, 1996.
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earthquake

earth is shaking
a rise of something
rage and horror consume us
time is running out
hell has begun
quiet
under us
a trembling force
keeping us awake
earthquake

Posted by rtkenmore at 02:43 AM on the 11th of July, 1996.
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