FiercePoet Blog | Travels | Visitor’s Guide to Birmingham, Alabama

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Tuesday the 22nd of August, 2006

Visitor’s Guide to Birmingham, Alabama

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s “Bur/min/ham.”

Driving Information: Burmin’ham has its own version of traffic rules...

1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right-of-way anytime.).

2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is… which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one of only two “cloverleaf” formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again, Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning and runs thru Saturday at Noon. If the term “merging delays” is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

5. You must know that “I-459”, “I-59”, “I-20”, and “I-65” are the same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you get on any of these ‘roads’ to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won’t be going anywhere else

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin’ham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, armadillos, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated...”

10. The minimum acceptable speed on “I-65” (see item 5 above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama’s State Highway Sponsored version of NASCAR. Especially during rush hour (see item 3 above) when it’s 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper to bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be “flipped a bird” accordingly…

11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make up, talking on a cell phone, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin’ham she might be packing. If she coming from South of Burmin’ham she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.

Weather Information:

1. If it’s 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Burmin’ham residents consider this “demolition derby” day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be their next target.

Seasonal Information:

1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

2. If you need to let the car “get some air” standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

3. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

4. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information: (and this is very important)

1. Do not ever speak to anyone during the song “Sweet Home Alabama unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn’t show “proper respect” to the band who gave us “Free Bird”. This is especially true if alcohol is present. Notice I didn’t say “sold at this event” but present.

2. Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It’s not that funny to us anymore.

3. If you ask someone for a “coke”, they will immediately ask you “what kind?” This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc. -its all “coke.”

4. All tea is sweet. If it’s not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon Line and are in the North.

Posted by rtkenmore at 07:08 PM on the 22nd of August, 2006.
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Friday the 31st of December, 2004

This is the True Story…

This is the true story of six strangers (somewhat at least) who chose to live in a hotel for three days and have their lives taped (well, photographed & documented) to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. The New Years Eve 2004!

This trip began quite nicely once we finally departed the Ham around 5ish and began the long trek to the Big Easy. Side Note: Don’t drive to New Orleans at night because it seems like it takes forever.

After stopping what appeared every thirty minutes for a break we finally arrived in New Orleans around ten Thursday night. Just late enough to not bother getting ready to go out on Bourbon. I, however, did get tipsey in the room with my own personal liquor supply.

Today has been just as interesting as the first with some good dining, more drinks, the always ever present shopping & general shenanigans. I’ll get the photos up when I return home as I have no way to upload from here (I’m not even on my computer).

The others are getting ready for the night out ahead of us. My plan is simple, get drunk. Not much to that plan and not a whole lot involved in accomplishing the plan either. Drinks are so cheap here and come in such large proportions. For example, after lunch we had 64oz drinks for like seven bucks. Isn’t that lovely. I certainly think so.

I must go now as I’m doing this entry more so for my own memory and afterthought right now. I want to remember what happened this weekend once I return to town.

Your-own-the-verge-of-public-intoximacation-gay-blogger…
The Poet

Posted by rtkenmore at 11:17 PM on the 31st of December, 2004.
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Thursday the 30th of December, 2004

Off to see the Wizard

Well, not really the wizard so much so as just off to the Big Easy - yes, New Orleans for New Years. I can’t wait to get there although I’m not sure I’ll remember arriving either. (I have a stash of adult beverages that is going with me. You get the point.)

I’m charging the batteries for the digital camara and with any luck will have pictures galore when I return. I get to test out the new galleries in style.

Best of luck to all in the New Year if I don’t happen to post again before the stroke of midnight.

Robert

Posted by rtkenmore at 06:48 PM on the 30th of December, 2004.
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Monday the 2nd of August, 2004

Pass it On

Pass this information on to everyone you know. Show up. Make a statement. Do something. E-mail the link; IM the link; tell people the info.

Vigil Information Link

Everyone needs to show up so that we can be seen and be heard. We, as a group equal in stature to every other group in these United States, need to be seen and heard in this state. We’ve been ignored and pushed to the side for too long and it’s time to stop.

Speak out and tell people that you will be heard. Leave a comment and encourage others to do the same.

I can’t help but quote one person here with something that has been ringing in my ears since I first heard it:

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there’s not a liberal America and a conservative America—there’s the United States of America. There’s not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and patriots who supported it. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America. - Barack Obama, DNC 2004

We need to stand up for ourselves and our rights. George W. Bush is certainly not doing it for us.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights. That among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Now the last time I checked, it still stated all men. Unless Bush has secretly changed the wording to “only heterosexual, pro-death penalty, pro-life, etc. etc. blah blah balh”. Yes, I guess this in a way has turned into a political rant. I haven’t and don’t intend to get into too many of those but sometimes it happens and I can’t fathom the thought of having this man in office another four years. I’m not saying I’m completely thrilled with Kerry as a choice but to me, the only choice is against Bush.

Posted by rtkenmore at 11:47 PM on the 2nd of August, 2004.
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Saturday the 31st of January, 2004

Joining the craze…

I’ve noticed more and more people posting maps of places they’ve visited lately. I figured why not follow the crowd on this as well. So here’s my map (to be updated as neccesary). I won’t post the world map simply because I’ve yet to travel outside the US.

Check the Map out here.

.: The Poet :.

PS. I’m going to get back to posting more often as I get settled in at my new job and new home.

Posted by rtkenmore at 12:28 PM on the 31st of January, 2004.
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Saturday the 29th of November, 2003

Charley’s Crab

As if dining out last night at one of the nicest restaurants I’ve ever seen wasn’t enough, we did it again tonight. This evening we ventured over to Charley’s Crab. It was located on the back side of Hilton Head Island as you come in from the mainland - right on the water. Granted, we didn’t see much of the water because it was night.

Charley’s Crab definitely put Red Fish up for a run (but I preferred my dish from Red Fish more). Charley’s Crab was still a high class restaurant to say the least.

Come to find out that recently the owner of Charley’s Crab (Muer Restaurants) was purchased by Landry’s Inc. Landry’s is home to some of the most famous restaurant chains in America, i.e. Rainforest Cafe, Joe’s Crab Shack, Chart House and of course, Landry’s Seafood House.

This is another restaurant I would definitely recommend to someone and would visit again myself. And I might just do that sometime again soon considering Charley’s Crab isn’t a one of a kind dining experience such as Red Fish.

.: The Poet :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 10:05 PM on the 29th of November, 2003.
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Friday the 28th of November, 2003

Red Fish

Red Fish is quite possibly one of the best restaurants I have ever dined at. They not only have an extensive wine list but they also have a retail store with the restaurant which sells wines from around the world. You can pick whatever your heart desires.

It’s not as fancy I was thought at first. It was very nice and just slightly upscale casual I would say. I mean, it is located at Hilton Head Island. You can’t be too fancy with everyone that goes there to vacation and all. Anyways…

I dined on the Grilled Sugar Cane Jumbo Shrimp with a Baby Spinich & Mango Salad for starters. It was absolutely wonderful. The others in the party split one of the Chef’s specials for the night, Pecan Crusted Grouper. Both dishes were absolutely heavenly as was the bottle of wine we chose with dinner.

I would definitely visit Red Fish again (and hopefully sooner than later). I’d recommend it to anyone visiting Hilton Head as well.

.: The Poet :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 09:49 PM on the 28th of November, 2003.
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Saturday the 18th of October, 2003

A Night of Terror & Fun

Well, Brandy & I visited Six Flags Georgia last night for Fright Fest. I had a great time. It’s been years since I went to Six Flags. The last time I was there, they were building Georgia Scorcher. Kinda sad, I know.

Anyway, I got to ride Scorcher (which, btw, hurts your balls tremendously if the seat locks too high) and Superman for the first time. Superman was my first flying coaster and it was awesome. Still not as good as X at Magic Mountain, but possibly the best coaster of the Georgia park. And another ride for the first time, Acrophobia. Oh my god, that ride is awesome. I’ve heard people talk about it but damn, it was so awesome.

And for anyone who enjoys Six Flags, you should seriously consider buying a season pass before November 1st. Season passes for Six Flags Georgia are selling for $39.99 (a $20 discount off regular pass). It’s a great deal even if you just use it once next season.

.: The Poet :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 05:31 PM on the 18th of October, 2003.
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Sunday the 7th of September, 2003

Interesting Observations

Well, as if driving to New York for Labor Day wasn’t painful enough, the family and I drove to Montgomery Saturday to visit the rest of the family. I’ve noticed, it always rains when we go to Montgomery. It never fails, everytime we’ve gone in the last couple years it has rained. It was nice and sunny here at home when we left. It was nice and sunny in Birmingham when we stopped for dinner as well. It’s like someone is telling us not to go to Montgomery for some reason.

I don’t know. It’s really a depressing thought. We go visit to see the family and all we can do is stay inside the whole day and go out to eat lunch.

.: The Poet :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 08:14 PM on the 7th of September, 2003.
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Wednesday the 3rd of September, 2003

Well

I must say, I would have been content getting up and leaving NYC yesterday morning rather than waiting till 6 o’clock. But no, Brandy had to attempt to go to tennis (which ended up being canceled). I was so pissed that we couldn’t just go ahead and leave. It was a waste of time and also a waste of money for Brandy and Jared. I mean they paid $10 for ferry tickets (a piece) and then paid for the subway out to Flushing Meadows and back. I think they probably ended up spending $30 or more for no reason what-so-ever. But that’s ok. I slept late and took my time packing. I checked us out of the room around 3 and then went to the restaurant to sit and read a book. I had some wonderful pasta while I waited. Yesterday was just my lazy day I guess you could say.

We finally left around 6 yesterday evening and begun the tedious drive home. It was long. Much longer than it was going. I think it was partly because we were all so worn out already. And I must say, if I never go to Virginia again, I won’t miss it.

I finally arrived at my house at 8 this morning and quickly had breakfast and then passed out. I slept like a baby. That’s about it for this trip. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind (as much as I don’t look forward to it).

.: The Poet :.

Posted by rtkenmore at 01:36 AM on the 3rd of September, 2003.
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