certain (04/05/2012)

certain kind of sadness
certain kind of love
certain kind of sorrow
certain kind of gladness
certain kind of tomorrow
certain kind of reason
certain kind of forgotten
certain kind of loneliness
certain kind of understanding
certain kind of wanten
certain kind of standing
certain kind of sympathy
certain kind of intellect
certain kind of perception

chipped paint (04/04/2012)

my soul dark and broken
like the chipped paint
off the crown moulding
this old house
haunted with my thoughts
visions of my past
the terror of my future

like the chipped paint
all but forgotten
never maintained
left to decay and rot
the wooden window sill
the half hung door
the forgotten soul

there is beauty
in the decay though
a story to be told
a lesson to be learned
the pieces of a puzzle
to be put back together
like the chipped paint

no son of mine (04/04/2012)

years age people
and we learn
we feel
we touch
we discover
who we are
what we are
and why we are

we can be honest
or we can lie
and tell you
what you want
the words you
want to hear

i tried for a while
to say what i thought
you wanted me to say
to act how you wanted
me to act
to be who i thought
you wanted me to be

the pain and guilt
i felt inside
consumed me
it drove me
to the depths
of sadness
and wrecked
my world

years age people
you become your own
you learn
you choose
you grow

two simple words
that’s all i said
five letters
and two words
i thought
you’d understand
i thought
you’d still care

the burden
off my shoulder
was tremendous
but the burden
you added
you blamed me
for who i am

what i heard was
no son of mine
so i walked out
and left you behind
i have to make
myself happy
i can’t please
you any longer

what i heard was
no son of mine
you looked me
straight in the eyes
and said
no son of mine

no son (04/03/2012)

to my unborn child
the dreams of a father
to hold you
and comfort you
to love you
and nurture you
your mother so kind
and us so happy

you were the sparkle
of our eyes
and the smile
we showed
everything we hoped
you were
all of our dreams
you were

distance changes
years age people
you became your own
you learned
you chose
you grew
you were no longer
our sweet child

high school
and college
and moving on
and two words
we never wanted
mom and dad…

but i lied (04/02/2012)

i wanted nothing but you
to complete my world
to love unconditionally
the future i saw together
gave me hope in humanity
the way you looked at me
a moment if insanity

but you broke my trust
and shattered my heart
to see you with someone else
i fell to my knees
and began to weep
why did you do this
how could you

you apologized
and asked if i still cared
of course i said i did
but i lied

cold water (04/02/2012)

cold water
fills my veins
just a shell
of myself
no emotion
no feeling
no response

just a desire
to be held
to be alive
to feel warmth
to have emotion
to be loved
by someone

a certain kind of sadness (4/1/2012)

i live with a certain kind of sadness
that no one understands
words simply cannot describe
the pain that is my life
this sadness is my addiction
and i cannot make sense
of what my life has become

i look at the man in the mirror
at somebody that i used to know
his eyes tell of his pain
that i cannot remember
he’s a stranger to me
somebody that i used to know
he lives alone in my company

and so it goes (12/14/2011)

words so simple
words so short
three syllables
yet hard to find

a heart in need
mending to repair
long, lost broken
this heart fading

and so it goes
and still it goes
and so it goes
and so alone

dear 13 year old me (6/3/11)

fiercepoet:

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 14
you’ll suffer depression
for the first time
you’ll find yourself
sitting in the living room floor
with a gun to your head
only to be saved
by your asshole father

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 15
you’ll turn to writing for help
the words dull the pain
you are feeling
and give you escape
you’ll write till you can’t feel
and it won’t help at all

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 16
you’ll feel abandoned
by your friends
you’ll feel completely alone
you’ll find yourself
contemplating different
ways to kill yourself
that don’t look like suicide

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 18
you’ll go to college
ten hours from home
“to get away from it all”
but the depression
will follow you
and worsen
you’ll write your
third suicide note
and attempt to od on pills
of course, you’ll screw
that up as well
and sleep for three days

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 19
you’ll experience what
you will later realize
is your first mental breakdown
you’ll cry uncontrollable
you’ll feel completely alone
and to you, no one will care
btw, you’ll realize you’re gay
“great, something else to deal with”
you’ll think to yourself

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 20
you’ll experience heartbreak
for the first time
as your boyfriend
of one year will break up
with you on your anniversary
again, you’ll sink into depression

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 24
you’ll finally think
things are looking better
you’ll move
get a good job
meet new people
and realize that being gay
in the big city is even harder
again, you’ll become depressed

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 26
you’ll finally seek help
you’ll see a doctor
and a counselor weekly
you’ll be prescribed pills
which really won’t do any good
you’ll sink into your worst
depression since age 18
and you’ll attempt to od
on sleeping meds
you’ll realize too much
sleeping meds just
makes you sleep

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 28
you’ll really be happy
for moving out of state
at least you think
you’ll find yourself
even more alone
in a city of millions
gay people will
judge you more harshly
you’re depression
will improve
but you’re not okay

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 29
you’ll think you’ve made it
a great job
a great small town
with great people
and a few good friends
you’ll be happy
(at least on the outside)

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 31
you’ll begin seeing
a doctor again
you’ll start pills again
you’ll develop worsening
ocd and anxiety
you’ll still function
but it will be hard
you’ll buy your
first home
(congratulations)

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 32
not much will happen
you’ll fall into an
unreciprocated love
with a black out drunk
you’ll know it’s not good
but you can’t help
your emotions
they’re simply
your emotions

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 33
you’re world will
begin to crumble again
you’ll resort to your
worst depression yet
you’ll cry yourself to
sleep every night
you’ll purposefully
overmedicate sometimes
and under-medicate others
you’ll stay in bed
for days at at time
nothing will seem to help
you’ll begin to just
want everything to go away
you’ll become paranoid
you’ll become easily agitated
and you’ll feel lost completely
from this world
you’ll realize just how hard
the pain is to deal with

dear 13 year old me
at the age of 34
you will not have survivied

you had my heart (8/01/2011)

you had my heart
you had it all
but you didn’t see
what could have been
what you could have
had right there then

you played the fool
gave it all away
without a second thought
you fooled me once
but you won’t again

drunken stupors you sit
sad, depressed and alone
but you made the
choice and lost it

i only wonder if
you’ll realize what you
could have once had

you probably will not
ever see the truth

you had my heart

sleeping with the windows open

sleeping with the windows open, tonight

in hopes that

the wind will carry you to me

I would gladly allow the wind

to carry me to you

but only if you promise

to keep me safe

and love me

I could promise at least that much.

i’ll sleep better tonight

knowing someone

cares enough to promise

it’s a funny thing

the way inhibitions

truly seem to escape

when you don’t see the

person you’re talking to

it is a curious thing, indeed.

glad anonymity could help you.

——-

tomstactlessness in italics; fiercpoet in bold.

tell me i’m fine (7/4/2011)

tell me i’m fine
because i don’t know
i’ve lost all feeling
numb to the touch
and cold to the bone
you’ve done this
you’ve put me here
but you don’t care
life is about you
and only you
you care about no one
but yourself
i see the real you now
the faulty exterior
has fallen away
and your secrets
are revealed

tell me i’m fine
because i can’t feel
i can’t feel
the warmth of your touch
or the sound of your voice
i can’t feel
the love i once had
or the adoration i felt

tell me i’m fine
i need to hear it
i need to believe it
convince me it’s true
do whatever you have to
and tell me i’m fine

i can’t care (7/4/2011)

i can’t care anymore
not for you at least
you push people away
and expect them to stay
like you’re something
special
you’re nothing
but an asshole
a jerk
look at all the fucks i give
wait, i don’t
i can’t care for someone
incapable of caring back
you can’t love
you can only get drunk
such a sad life
alone and drunk
by yourself
i can’t care
you’ve pushed me away
for the last time
i look at you
i wonder what i ever saw
blinded by stupidity
or ignorance
i can’t care
the fucks i don’t give
i’ve lived
and i’ve learned
and you’ll soon be gone
and i still can’t care

i seen a man (7/3/2011)

i seen a man
sad and alone
sitting on the street
sign said
“need food”
“a smile will do”
i thought to myself
“how sad”
but i smiled

i seen a man
angry and disturbed
arguing with no one
but with someone
i couldn’t help
but wonder
“who did he see”
“who was there”
the demons inside i guess

i seen a man
depressed and gone
his soul had departed
he was an empty shell
his eyes told his story
his scares told his pain
he looked familiar
in the mirror
i seen a man