What You Are…

What you are to me
I can only begin to describe
With the words we use
The first thing that comes to mind is
You are like my blood brother
It feels as if we’ve always known each other
Friend comes to mind
But that needs one more word
That word would be Best
Best Friends
I don’t call many people that
You have to be special
To receive that honor
You are special, very special
I will never Forsake my Brother
And pray he will do the same

Forever Brothers

Brotherly love is something special
Respect unequaled by most
Often a best friend
Then, sometimes, an only friend
How could I live without my brother
Everything you are, that’s what makes you special
Really, no one could replace you
Sorry, your stuck with me

Friends are what we are foremost
Other things may come with time
Right, but we’ll always be friends
Even in the rough and sad times
Very caring and compassionate is what we both are
Every time we talk, I hear that in your voice
Really, no one could replace you, I wouldn’t let them

To the Dead Poets:

I do not know what is going on any more. I feel like I am lost from reality. I have been lost for some time now. I have not felt the excitement and thrill of writing for a while now. I feel so guilty about this fact that it makes me sick inside. For so long I have loved and even enjoyed writing my poetry and now, it just does not thrill me anymore. It just does not provide the same joy and comfort that it used to provide for me. I wish I knew what was going on with my mind currently. It discomforts me very much. This dilemma discourages me when it comes to a lot of things. I do not know what to do any more about a lot of problems that I have to face.

I have realized that the worst thing I can do in this world is fake it and pretend that I am having 100% fun all of the time. I have no reason to have fun anymore. Nothing. I cannot live a lie like this one that I have been living for so long now. I have lived for almost six years now in this lie. I have made it look like everything is aO.K. For this whole time, it has never been aO.K. I cannot fool you anymore, any of you. I feel that I have already fooled all of you long enough as is right now. I have tried to learn to appreciate what I have got, everything that I have got in this life so far. I just cannot appreciate all of it though. I have tried everything to appreciate my friends; God knows I have got some of the best friends for whom a guy could ask for in this world. I cannot just appreciate them though. I guess I could say that I have it good; I just do not realize how good I truly do have got it though. God I wish that I did realize how well I have it. Some thoughts might have subsided a long time ago if I had realized how well off I am in this world.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. I have lost the enthusiasm and vigor that a young child possesses. I cannot have fun like I had when I was a young child and enjoy the simple things in life like a young child can. I will not be able to do any of those things again. Too many things, including the thoughts of suicide, have forced me to grow up too quickly.

I am too sensitive, to friends, to family, to everyone. I believe that there is good within every person of this whole earth, so much so that it makes me so fucking mad inside when I think about that fact. I look at some of my “true” friends and see who they are and the potential that they hold within them. It makes me nauseous to think about it. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative me. Why can I not just enjoy life? I do not know! I find myself wishing all the time that I could though.

Sometimes everything terrifies me to the point that I can barely function correctly anymore. I wish that I just understood myself sometimes and understood what was going on inside my head. The thoughts of suicide have been my problem. Literally. If they had never started, then I truly believe that I would be fine. I would never have grown up so fast. The thoughts have torn my life apart, torn it apart beyond repair. I truly believe that none of my friends, no matter how “true” they are, can help put my life back together. I cannot do anything to fix what has happened. I also cannot do anything to stop anything else from happening. All that can happen is for everything to get worse and worse. Nothing I can do will change that fact. Nothing.

I have to thank the few people who did express concern over the last few months, even years since I first talked about my thoughts of suicide. I imagine that getting along with such an erratic, moody, baby must be extremely hard. As a matter of fact, I know that it must be extremely hard. To my brothers of Theta Xi, there are a few of you whom I truly do love as a friend and brother. I thank you very much the love and support that you few have shown toward me on several occasions. You do not realize how much it helped at the time when you did what you did. It did help a lot though. Trust me.

I have no passion for life anymore and do not know why.

what the fuck

what the fuck is wrong with me
what’s in my fucking head
someone fucked with me
fucked me over
and over again
i need some help
some fucking help
someone who’ll be there
who won’t fuck with me
i should’ve done it already
finished it off
i fucked up though
i didn’t
i didn’t fucking do it
i had my chance
my many chances
i just didn’t take it
i don’t know why
i guess because i fucked up
the time will come
when it will happen
i am certain it will
i will do it eventually
no one can stop me
stop me from fucking up
one last time
it’s over…


depressed is how i feel
every waking moment of time
please help me
relieve this stress
everyone causes
soon it will happen
stress leads to suicide
everyone will know
depressed souls won’t survive

would you please

i want to die
to kill myself
i have no reason to live
nothing to live for
everything is gone
why must i suffer anymore
just shoot me
put me out of my misery

would you please?

give me a reason

give me a reason
a reason to live
something to live for
i don’t like this world
this fucked up place
it drives me insane
i can’t face the truth
the reality of what i am
i am nothing
a loser at most
i have no reason
no reason to live
maybe you can find one
just one
one simple reason
something to live for
something for me


confused and running
running from a dream
a dream of what
i don’t know
an altered world
a different being
a separate space
i wonder what’s happening
who’s doing what and where
this altered world
is a screwed up place
it makes me confused
wondering what’s going on
i’m becoming enraged
with fear and anger
i don’t know what’s happening
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me
i don’t like what’s going on
what’s happening
i don’t like this world
this altered ego
this different being
be yourself
that’s what everyone says
be yourself
in this world
i don’t think so
you become hated
people turn on you
like they have already done to me
things change
attitudes change
people become confused
more confused than already
i don’t like my life
it’s never been an easy one
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
the people
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me
i wonder why so many people
have a problem with me
dislike me
their attitudes confuse me
but they don’t care
i’m one fucked up person
confused all the way to hell and back
why do things happen
especially bad things
the thoughts again
yeah you know
the thoughts
they confuse me
they like me
they don’t
they like me
they don’t
someone help me
please someone
i need help
or am i confused about that to
i wish there was a rewind
so i could start over
or eject so i can give up
anything would help
anything at all
i’m an idiot
a stupid one at that
i don’t know what’s going on
i’m confused remember
confused to hell and back
the thoughts again
damn those thoughts
they confuse me
thoughts of this
thoughts of that
they all confuse me
this and that
i wish i could
get them out of my head
gone forever
eject them
i’m too confused to even do that
too even quit thinking at all
i don’t know what’s happening
what’s going on
who’s doing what and where
this altered world
is a screwed of place
i have become enraged
with fear and anger
the thoughts
they confuse me
the actions
they confuse me
the words
they confuse me
the people
they confuse me
the attitudes
they confuse me
everything confuses me
confuses the hell out of me

after shock

after it ended
for it was hell
till we took over
ended it all together
rage and horror was gone

shape us up again
help us
overcome what consumed us
calm down
keep thinking